Archive for the ‘Regret’ Category

The Anniversary Of When Time Stood Still: February 2008   Leave a comment


People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend. ~ Jim Morrison
 

Life is filled with options and decisions and we hope that we make the right choices at the right times. If wrong choices are made, we hope to learn from them and move on.

This is my story about cause, effect, regret and forgiving myself.

Mom, always said, “It’s you and me against the world.”

It was a dark and wintery night when the first call came in, probably around midnight and the nurse stated she was having some problems and was calling the doctor to confirm placing her on an IV bag. I should have jumped up that very minute. Not once in two months had they called me to tell me her status. I was half awake and half asleep…but that was no excuse. I didn’t rush down there to hold her hand. I didn’t get into the truck and speed over to the hospital to tell her I loved her. I just rolled over and went back to sleep. Two hours and seventeen minutes later the phone rang. My heart sank. The nurse on the other end said there was nothing they could do…she was gone.

I dropped the phone…speechless. I was hysterical…barely able to speak. To say the words…my mother passed over. My friend, confidant, sometimes worst enemy yet, the one who taught me about life, strength, courage and love in her own way has left her earthly body.

The early morning brought bitterly cold wind with snow and ice on the ground. We dressed hurriedly or should say my partner did because I couldn’t stop the flow of tears and my knees buckled beneath me and I kept hitting the floor. I was picked up and held for a moment and then kissed gently several times. She was my rock at that moment and I had no idea. After I was dressed we went outside and she walked next to me holding my hand. As we staggered across that blanket of winter to the truck, I could hear the crunching of snow under our feet which seemed to have echoed in my head. One could actually taste the cold air.

The ride to the hospital was filled with hysterical cries in the night. Trying to speak, but everything came out jumbled.  My mind was racing a mile a minute. When we arrived at the facility, I could see her mom waiting for us as we pulled up into the parking lot. I didn’t realize she even made that call. When it was time to get out of the truck…I couldn’t…it was as if my body shut down…I was frozen. The two of them had to hold me up as I walked because I kept collapsing barely making it to the entrance. We all walked in somewhat unison to the elevator with sounds of my outbursts echoing in the empty halls. We got in and they let go of me.

I collapsed to the floor and they looked on for a moment. The bell rang and they lifted me up as the doors opened.

Please, no I don’t want to go down that hall, if I don’t go she will still be here to yell and scream at the nurses…I heard myself cry out in my mind.

I have never taken such a long walk down a hospital corridor. It seemed endless…the closer I got the further away it seemed to her room where my mother lay.

I could feel death in the air lingering. It seemed so still, so surreal…I couldn’t hear anything as we passed the nurses at their station. Silence was deadly.

Looking back I now see how fortunate I was to have two loving individuals stand by me during the hardest and most trying time of my life. I could feel their love and their support with every step I took.

I entered the room and held my mother’s hand. The loud maddening monitors and IV beeps filled my head to where I was frozen. I stared at her with disbelief like she was just sleeping. I spoke to her about being close to her lover in heaven and not being in pain…no more suffering…just peace. My final good bye included how much I loved her.

I have learned so much from that night for instance carpè diem; not only to seize the day, but also the hours and minutes too and always remember that I can never tell someone I love them too many times. Will you let a day go by without saying I love you to a loved one?

Just Say It: I Love You!!!